The One After Vegas: Ross and Rachel wake up in bed together, remembering almost nothing about the night before. At breakfast, their friends ask them about it. Shocked, they decide to get an annulment once they\’re back in New York. Ross tells Rachel he\’s taken care of it, but he hasn\’t. Neither Chandler nor Monica wants to go through with their own marriage plans, but each one is scared to back out. They decide to look for another sign… but even though the signs keep coming, they keep denying it. Finally, Chandler suggests they live together. Joey (who still has Phoebe\’s cab) convinces her to keep him company on the drive home. He promises to make it a fun road trip, but he ends up sleeping most the time.

The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance: Rachel packs her things and moves to Ross\’s apartment. Once there, she intercepts a phone call from Ross\’s lawyer revealing they\’re still married. Phoebe\’s psychic tells her she\’s going to die this week. Ross becomes a guest lecturer at NYU. He\’s so worried his presentation won\’t go well that he panics and presents it with an phony English accent. Joey\’s medical benefits lapse because he hasn\’t done enough acting recently. He contacts his agent, Estelle (who mistakenly believes he\’d gone to another agent), to arrange for some auditions. He gets a severe hernia before auditioning, but refuses to go to the hospital until he has insurance again.

The One With Ross\’s Teeth: Phoebe visits Rachel at work and makes out with Kenny the copy boy, thinking it\’s Ralph Lauren. She tells Rachel, who gossips to her boss (Kim), who eventually becomes convinced that Rachel is having an affair with Ralph Lauren in order to get Kim\’s job. Ross goes too far when he whitens his teeth in preparation for a date with Hillary, Monica\’s co-worker. Chandler tries to convince Joey that he\’s letting Janine make him and the apartment too girly.

The One With The Apothecary Table: Rachel buys furniture from Pottery Barn, but tells Phoebe she got it at a flea market, because Phoebe hates Pottery Barn. The deception is complicated by the fact that Ross buys an identical table from Pottery Barn. Joey and Janine spend time with Monica and Chandler; Janine doesn\’t like hanging out with them, and hard feelings grow and grow until Joey and Janine break up and Janine moves out.

The One Where Chandler Can\’t Cry: Unable to handle the idea of Ross and Jill together, Rachel asks Ross to stop seeing Jill. Jill is upset and throws herself at Ross, attempting to use him to get back at Rachel. Chandler doesn\’t cry in sad movies… or for any other reason. The gang discovers that Ursula is making porn movies in Phoebe\’s name.

The One With Unagi: Joey\’s financial needs aren\’t being met by his job at the coffee house, so he looks into participating in another medical study. The only one available is for identical twins, but it pays so much that Joey can\’t resist. He hires another actor to play his twin brother. Rachel and Phoebe are taking a self-defense class, but Ross feels they don\’t have Unagi, a state of total awareness, in which you can be prepared for any danger. He startles them in the hallway to prove his point, which sets off an on-going competition of psuedo-attacks. Chandler and Monica plan to celebrate Valentines day (late) by making gifts for each other. Chandler can\’t make anything and Monica forgets until the last minute. Chandler gives Monica a customized tape of music which actually was a previous gift from Janice; Monica give him a sock puppet that Phoebe made.

The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth\’s Dad: Joey doesn\’t get along well with the roboticist (Wayne) who controls his co-star, \”C.H.E.E.S.E.\” To save himself from being fired, he teaches Wayne how to talk with women. Phoebe writes a book about relationships, which is really a book about Monica and Chandler, and everything they do. Ross meets Elizabeth\’s dad (Paul), who really doesn\’t approve of his daughter dating an older man. Paul and Rachel start dating. The gang\’s attempts to make Ross look good for Paul continually backfire.

The One With The Ring: Chandler picks out an engagement ring for Monica, with Phoebe\’s help. Unfortunately, someone else buys the ring before Chandler has a chance to. He has to convince the other buyer to trade rings with him. Meanwhile, Joey and Ross are feeling brushed-off because Chandler isn\’t hanging out with them. Phoebe makes matters worse by suggesting that Chandler is angry with them. Rachel tries to get Paul to open up and express his feelings. She gets more than she expects and can\’t turn it off… so she dumps him.

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The One With All The Kissing: Monica and Chandler try to keep their relationship hidden: When Joey comes into the bathroom, Monica has to duck under the bubbles in the tub; Chandler accidentally kisses Monica good-bye in from of the others, so then has to kiss all the girls. Phoebe is irked by all the fun she missed in London; the others decide to take her on a picnic to Central Park, but since that idea sucks they plan a weekend in Atlantic City; just as they\’re leaving, her water breaks. Rachel, back from Greece and angry about the bad choices she\’s made recently, gives decision making control of her love-life to Monica. This arrangement is strained to the breaking point when Rachel wants to tell Ross she still loves him, but Monica won\’t let her. Ross plans to win back Emily by sending romantic gifts.

The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS: Rachel catches Monica waiting seductively in her bedroom for Chandler; to cover, Monica tells Rachel she\’s seeing a guy from work. Monica tells Rachel that her new boyfriend is the best sex she\’s ever had, and when Chandler hears this he gets a little too proud of himself. Ross finally gets Emily on the phone and they begin planning to work things out; Emily agrees to come to New York but only if Ross doesn\’t see Rachel anymore. After much agonizing, Ross agrees. Joey gets involved with a PBS pledge drive, believing he\’s the host; but he\’s only a phone jockey and not even on camera. Phoebe reveals her hatred for PBS, which started because she never got an answer to a letter she wrote to Sesame Street after her mom died. Joey and Phoebe argue about whether any truly selfless good deeds exist, so Phoebe tries repeatedly to find one.

The One With All The Thanksgivings: After Thanksgiving dinner at Monica\’s, the gang tells stories about their worst Thanksgivings ever. In a series of flashbacks, we see Chandler learning of his parent\’s divorce (1978); Phoebe losing an arm (twice) in past lives (1862 and\’15); Joey with his head in a turkey (1992); Chandler hurting Monica\’s feelings (1987); and Monica getting a little more revenge than she planned, when Chandler loses a toe (1988).

The One With The Inappropriate Sister: Because of his boredom while away from work, Ross offers to help Joey focus on writing a movie. Things get a little tense, however, when Ross wants Joey to work and Chandler wants to play \’Fireball.\’ Phoebe volunteers to collect Christmas donations for the poor, but ends up getting a bucket full of unwanted \’contributions,\’ so she gets tough with the donors. Monica arranges for Rachel and Danny to go out. It seems to be going very well until Rachel discovers that Danny has an unusually close relationship with his sister, Krista.

The One With Joey\’s Bag: Chandler finds out Monica gives terrible massages but doesn\’t want to tell her. When the truth comes out, Monica has a hard time accepting it. Joey is auditioning for a sophisticated part in a play, so Rachel offers to help him look the part. She outfits him at Bloomingdales, and part of the ensemble is a \”man\’s bag,\” which bears a striking resemblence to a purse. Unfortunately, Joey\’s devotion to the bag ends up costing him the audition. Phoebe\’s grandmother dies; Ursula, who thought grandma was already dead, skips the memorial. The memorial does have one unexpected guest, however–Phoebe\’s father. Without revealing her true identify, she arranges to meet with him later, at which time she reveals the truth… but things are still a little awkward.

The One With The Cop: Joey has a dream that Monica is his girlfriend; Monica tells him it just means he wants a relationship with the closeness that he sees between herself and Chandler. She suggests he try being friends with a woman before being intimate. After hitting on Rachel (unsuccessfully), Joey tries to make friends with new women; but they find his \”friends first\” approach so enticing that they want the intimacy immediately. Phoebe finds a police badge under a cushion at the coffee house. She plans to return it but has too much fun pretending to be a cop… until she pulls it on the actual owner of the badge. She drops the badge and runs away; he tracks her down and asks her on a date. Ross buys a new sofa (couch), but can\’t get it up the stairs to his apartment.

The One With The Ride-Along: Ross, Joey, and Chandler go on a ride-along with Gary; thinking a car back-fire is actually a gunshot, Joey dives and protects Ross from harm. Chandler is upset that Joey chose to protect Ross… until he learns that Joey was really trying to protect his sandwich. While getting Margarita fixings as Ross\’ apartment, Rachel overhears Emily–who is getting married the next day–leaving a message, wondering if their break-up was a mistake. Monica and Rachel debate about what to do, and Rachel accidentally erases the message. She stays and waits for Ross to return so she can tell him.

The One In Vegas, Part 2: Ross and Rachel arrive at the casino, where Rachel quickly learns she is \”a human doodle\”. The ink won\’t come off, so she and Ross spend the day hiding in the hotel room, raiding the mini-bar. Once they\’re completely drunk, Rachel finally agrees to go back down to the casino–after she draws on Ross\’ face. Phoebe, playing the slots, is plagued by a lurker: An elderly woman who follows her around, waiting for her to give up a machine that hasn\’t paid out, then takes over and hits the jackpot (a strategy with absolutely no basis in the laws of probability). She decides to out-lurk the lurker; but during a confrontation with her, Phoebe gets thrown out of the casino. Joey tries to persuade his identical hand twin that they should go into show business. He becomes such a nuisance that he gets thrown out, too. Chandler makes a scene to get Monica\’s attention. They make up, and Monica continues her winning streak playing craps. Chandler says if she rolls another hard eight, they\’ll get married. The dice bounce off the table and the roll is disqualified; one die shows a four, the other is on it\’s edge between four and five. Chander decides it\’s a four. They arrive at the wedding chapel and are waiting for the previous service to end, when the chapel doors fly open and out walk the drunken Ross and Rachel, newly married.

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The One Where No One\’s Ready: Ross has an important night but no one else is ready to go. Joey and Chandler fight about chairs and clothes. Joey spills humus on Phoebe\’s dress. Monica hears an old message from Richard and thinks that it might be new; she leaves him a message which she then tries to erase, but just makes it worse. Rachel can\’t decide what to wear; Ross gets angry and Rachel decides not to go… unless he drinks the fat.

The One With The Flashback: Prompted by a question from Janice, the group has a flashback revealing events which occurred three years earlier: Chandler searches for a roommate; Cute Naked Guy puts on weight; Phoebe secretly moves out of Monica\’s apartment; The bar is closing to make way for a coffee shop; Mr. Heckles could play the oboe; Rachel contemplates her upcoming marriage to Barry; Mr. Heckles could be Chandler\’s new roommate; Ross is happy that Carol has found a new friend — Susan; One of the lifeguards dismantles a nuclear device; \”Almost\” relationships are revealed between Joey and Monica, Monica and Chandler, Chandler and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe.

The One With The Racecar Bed: Monica and Phoebe shop at the store owned by Janice\’s soon-to-be-ex-husband, and Monica ends up with the wrong bed. Rachel and Ross have dinner with her father, which doesn\’t go well; the next day at brunch, Ross and Dr. Green find something to bond over. Gunther broods over Rachel. Joey Teaches a class–\”Acting for Soap Operas\”. While trying to return the bed, Joey and Monica see Janice kissing her husband.

The One With All the Jealousy: Rachel has her first day on the job; Ross sends her a singing telegram, and continues to be jealous about Mark. Chandler arranges a bachelor party for his cousin. Joey gets an audition for a Broadway musical, but he can\’t dance. Gunther pines for Rachel. Monica falls for Julio, a co-worker at the diner who writes a poetry; he writes a poem for Monica which isn\’t very flattering. Ross and Ben have a play date with the stripper from the bachelor party, which makes Rachel jealous.

The One Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break: Phoebe dates a diplomat who doesn\’t speak english; she convinces Monica to double with them so the translator will have a date. Chandler and Joey gawk at the Xerox girl, who invites them both to a dance club. Ross interrupts Rachel\’s late night emergency at the office, leading to a fight; Rachel wants to take a break. Ross goes to the club and ends up kissing the Xerox girl.

The One Without The Ski Trip: Ross and Rachel\’s fighting causes the gang to try to hang out with them separately. Chandler, under stress because Ross and Rachel\’s break-up reminds him of his parents divorce, starts smoking again. Rachel invites everyone but Ross to go skiing for the weekend; they get locked out of the car at a rest stop; Rachel refuses to call Ross for help, so Monica and Phoebe do it behind her back; he comes to their aid and then gets stuck because his battery dies. Ross interferes with Carol\’s and Susan\’s \”Anniversary\”.

The One With a Chick. And a Duck.: The diner where Monica works puts their staff on roller-skates; Monica crashes into Rachel while skating; Rachel\’s injuries are worse than first believed. Pete buys a restaurant and offers Monica a job as head chef; she\’s unsure whether to take it, since she still isn\’t attracted to Pete. Pete makes up a story about another woman so Monica will think he\’s over her; Phoebe sees right through it but promises not to tell Monica. Joey buys a pet chick for Chandler, but caring for it becomes a source of conflict. Ross has a chance to be on TV as part of a panel of Paleontologists, but gives it up to take Rachel to the hospital. Monica and Pete are about to stop seeing each other, but then they kiss… and Monica finally feels it.

The One With The Screamer: Phoebe waits on hold so she can have her phone repaired before the warranty expires. The gang goes to Joey\’s play on opening night. Rachel dates Tommy, who seems pretty nice… except when he starts screaming at people; however, only Ross witnesses this behavior and can\’t convince anyone else. Joey\’s play gets bad reviews, prompting the director to break up with Kate; Joey and Kate spend the night talking and falling in love. Kate gets a job offer in L.A. and decides to leave.

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The One With the \’Cuffs: Chandler and Joey try to make due with patio furniture and a canoe as their only furnishings. Chandler bumps into Joanna (Rachel\’s boss) and they go out again… and end up having quite a fling; while sneaking into Joanna\’s office, Rachel finds Chandler half naked and hand-cuffed to a chair. Monica caters her mother\’s party and \”pulls a Monica\” when she loses a fake nail in one of the quiches. A salesman tries to sell Joey encyclopedias, but Joey just can\’t afford a whole set.

The One With The Ballroom Dancing: Joey chews out Mr. Treeger, the superintendent, for making Rachel cry; Mr. Treeger decides to evict Rachel and Monica (who have an illegal sublet of Monica\’s Grandmother\’s apartment). In order to smooth things over, Joey agrees to be Mr. Treeger\’s practice ballroom dancing partner. Chandler tries to end his membership at his gym; Ross goes with him for moral support but ends up joining as well. Phoebe struggles (unsuccessfully) to contain her desires for Rick, one of her massage clients; she ends up being fired and he turns out to be married.

The One With Chandler In A Box: Joey is still upset at Chandler about Kathy; he tries to get over it but can\’t, and decides to move out… until he and Chandler stumble upon a way for Chandler to make it up to him–spending most of Thanksgiving day in a box. Monica injures her eye but doesn\’t want to have to see Richard again; she arranges to see the on-call doctor, who turns out to be very cute… and Richard\’s son. The gang decides to do secret Santa for each other; Ross torments Rachel about always exchanging gifts, until she can\’t stand it and shows him all the stuff she saved from their relationship.

The One With Phoebe\’s Uterus: Frank Jr. and Alice have eloped, and they ask Phoebe to be a surrogate mother for them; Phoebe asks advice of her birth mother, who gives her a puppy for only three days so she\’ll know what it\’s like to give up something you love. Ross gets Joey a job as a Tour Guide at the museum; Joey is hurt when Ross won\’t sit next to him at lunch (the white coats don\’t sit with the blue blazers); this prompts Ross to stand up and make some changes in the cafeteria, but it works a little too well. Chandler is nervous about being intimate with Kathy since she used to be Joey\’s girlfriend; feeling his performance is only adequate, he asks advice from Monica and Rachel; Kathy is very grateful.

The One With Joey\’s Dirty Day: Joey goes fishing and comes back smelly… and doesn\’t get a chance to shower before he goes to work on a new movie with Charlton Heston; he gets caught cleaning up in the only shower on the set–in Mr. Heston\’s dressing room. Joshua invites Rachel to a club opening but she\’s already agreed to take her boss\’s niece (Emily) to the opera; Ross agrees to fill in for her with the niece, and they hit it off much better than first impressions would indicate; meanwhile, Rachel\’s date falls through when a rain storm smears her name off the club\’s guest list. Chandler continues recovering from his break-up with Kathy, but can\’t move on to phase two, because there\’s no one with which to go to a strip club… except Monica and Phoebe.

The One With The Free Porn: Joey and Chandler unexpectedly receive an \”adult\” movie channel. Monica urges Ross to express his true feelings to Emily before she leaves the country, but things don\’t go as well as expected–it turns out there\’s another man. Ross goes to London to prove his love for Emily, but she returns to the states to tell him she\’s chosen him. Phoebe finds out she\’s carrying triplets; Frank, Jr. considers dropping out of refrigerator college to get a job; Phoebe tries to come up with ways to make money so he won\’t have to give up his \”dream.\”

The One With All The Wedding Dresses: Joey\’s snoring forces Chandler to insist he go to a sleep clinic; while accompanying Joey at the clinic, Chandler meets (and begins dating) Marjorie, who talks in her sleep. Ross tries to talk with Rachel about her feelings, but she just pretends she\’s fine. However, while feeling kind of desperate she tries to move way too fast with Joshua and ends up scaring him off. Monica picks up Emily\’s wedding dress for her, and finds she just can\’t resist wearing it… a lot. Phoebe and Rachel catch the spirit as well, and soon they\’re all wearing white. Ross and Emily set a wedding date just one month away. Rachel talks with Monica and Phoebe about her unresolved feelings for Ross.

The One With The Worst Best Man Ever: Phoebe suffers from a small bladder, mood swings, kicking babies, false labor, and other pregnancy woes. Ross has to choose whether Joey or Chandler will be his best man; he chooses Joey, which seems okay until after the bachelor party when the wedding ring is missing. Believing the stripper (whom Joey slept with) took it, they mistakenly confront her; however, it turns out it was taken by a different bird. Monica and Rachel plan a baby shower for Phoebe, but decide not to give her baby-stuff because she won\’t be keeping the babies; unfortunately, this plan doesn\’t go over very well.

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It takes more than just talent to make people laugh. That is why if you are thinking of becoming a stand up comedian you also have to be gutsy because being on stage in front of a huge crowd can be intimidating. You also have to be smart because you can?t make people laugh if you don?t have anything in your brain at all.

If you are serious in making a career out of your talent, always have with you a pen and paper so you can jot down any witty joke that comes to your mind. At the end of the day, you can review what you’ve written down.

Although you are supposed to write down all the funny things you come across with, it should not delimit you as a performer. As a professional, it is important to deliver lines naturally. Study your lines well, including the ad lib before you take on the stage. Nothing can be more embarrassing than to stay and stay not knowing what to say or do.

Before going onstage, know whom you are performing for so that you can come up with an appropriate setting. Do not belittle your audience and do not act superior to them because it is embarrassing if the audience dislikes you.

Keep in mind that even before you start opening your mouth, your audience may already have formed an opinion about you, but don’t let it intimidate you. Approach the crowd with extreme confidence but without appearing showy. Take control of the situation and make your audience feel relaxed and comfortable.

It usually happens with professional comedians to have performances on the same location many times during the week. If you happen to experience this, too, just make sure that you have something different to show every time in order to keep your audience out of boredom. There are different styles that you can assume, so don’t be afraid to try one style to another. Practice making a joke out of anything as this helps you to develop your sense of humor.

If you are not taking charge of the situation, you will begin to lose your audience’s confidence, and you certainly wouldn’t want that; else you’d just have to consider getting a career change instead.

Pursuing a career as a comedian is not a joke. Practicing and learning how to deliver a joke with the right timing are very significant to a good comedian. You have to be prepared because it is going to be a long way for you to go and the pay sometimes is not as rewarding as the effort. Stay funny and know what makes your audience laugh; then, you will be fulfilling your goals soon.

Hank Evans appreciates you taking the time to read this article. If you enjoyed it, you are invited to visit Hank Evans at Watch NCIS Episodes Online and Watch Royal Pains Episodes Online.

categories: comedy,comedian,funny,humor,joke,career,job,talent,perform,performer

If you want access to the best comedy shows, consider getting a computer with an internet connection. On the World Wide Web are scores and scores of sites that let you watch comedy shows often for free, and this means you don?t have to pay for cable or satellite subscription anymore. The thing is, you must choose carefully the sites because many of them are operating without any license at all, and it?s really dangerous to use such sites. It?s very risky as these sites usually are sleeping grounds of viruses and malicious applications.

There are many advantages of watching great comedy shows. By watching comedy shows that make you laugh out loud releases stress and improves one?s capacity in dealing with problems and in problem solving skills. It may also enhance positive outlook in life.

One of the best things about watching online is that it allows everyone to watch comedy shows for free. Isn’t it wonderful to relax without spending that much and enjoying the comfort of your own home while receiving the full health benefits of having a good laugh?

There are many comedy shows online that can help in increasing the relaxation of a person and gain all the benefits associated with laughing. A comedy show can help a person relax and can act as a stress reliever and watching a funny video for 15 minutes increases heart rate by up to 50%, giving more physical health benefits.

Mentally, watching comedy shows helps to clear the mind and revive the spirit. Laughing out loud is one great exercise that targets every aspect of the human being — the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual.

Just think, you actually wouldn’t have to invest in pills or other materials that claim to relieve stress; just have a good laugh everyday.

Since laughing reduces or relieves stress significantly, it helps you take your much needed rest. No stress means no worries, and no worries can mean better sleep. It’s been said in fact that people who laugh often experience better sleep and more time sleeping, and it is like a chain reaction. A good sleep can lead to a better disposition.

So if you feel stressed out, why not try this easy and fun solution. Watch the best comedy shows online with family or friends and have a great setup for laughter, feeling good and you will achieve positive effects by finding yourself more lighthearted, silly, and giving yourself and those around you more to laugh about.

Hank Evans thanks you for taking the time to read this article. If you enjoyed it, you can read more from Hank Evans at Watch NCIS Free and Watch Royal Pains Online.

categories: comedy,comedian,humor,jokes,stress,relax,laugh,laughter,career,job

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper’s butt crack?
If not, you’re wondering now. Have a nice day ..

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money…

That’s my public service announcement for the day.

Thank you very much!

Police Jokes

20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

18. Aren’t you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”

Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”

Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

“Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?” The man replied, “Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city.” Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, “Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?” The young man looked up and said, “No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I’m coping it just fine.”

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man’s stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

“This looks promising!” thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: “The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!”

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” “That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.”

“How come?” I asked. “Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.” The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it’s made a big difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup… gonna be a bear.

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter. “It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “160? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”

St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

“I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces, “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The Doctor quickly responded, “$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”

Another car drove by and it too tossed some garbage. Just as before, the traffic was too busy. Vehicles proceeded to pass by throwing garbage until finally the cops had an opening to pull over a car which had a guy and a girl in it. The police had the man back up to retrieve garbage, which turned out to be a used condom. One of the cops said, “You know there are huge fines for littering on this highway”. To which the motorist replied with a satisfied look on his face, “that’s not litter, it orgasmic material!”